Your mouth is God's brothel.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
