Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Houston, we have a blender
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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