I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
