You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
