you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
