I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
