Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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