i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
