I just made out with a guy for $7.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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