I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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