Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
