the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
