Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
