you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
