John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
