oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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