I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
