In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
