I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
