she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
