Betty ford says i'm here all night
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?