I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive