you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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