I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
