I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
