You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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