My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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