i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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