Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
