A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
