I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
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she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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