my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
