:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
