Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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