So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
