I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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