Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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