Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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