I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
