I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I can't put those talents on a resume
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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