Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
