I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
