Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
