I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
