I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
