4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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