not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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