someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
