Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
