Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
