And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
