I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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