Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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