So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
