This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
