The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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