I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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