I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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