All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need water and some morals
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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